I Used To Be An Athiest

Life had gone pretty well, there were the normal ups and downs like trying to decide on a major of study, the hardship of college, then finding a job. My second job as an electrical engineer had me working with a guy named Keith. We were assigned a job together and the first day in the lab we were getting aquainted and he asked me, "Are you a Christian?" I said yes. He said, "I’m an atheist and there is something about me you should know, I am also an evangelist." "Tell me more," I said puzzled. "You guys try to convert us into you guys, but I try to convert Christians into Atheism - I consider it my moral duty," Keith explained.

Over a period of a month, Keith challenged my beliefs. He brought convincing evidence against the reality of God. He took a sledge hammer and relentlessly knocked against my understanding and faith in God. He was very good at bringing contradictory evidence against the reality of God. He’d say things like, how can there be a God that allows so much suffering. I prayed to God when my Mom was suffering of parkinson's and He didn’t heal her. He’d turn the table towards the Bible. How can this be the Word of God? He’d bring evidence that would turn any rational person away from the Bible.

Each drive home I would think and pray, trying to make sense of things. Over time I could tell I was loosing the battle. I was slipping. I no longer had easy quick answers.

Then one day I was empty and the only thing left was to conclude that there was no God. So, I went there and didn't believe in God anymore. Then I thought, wow this will change quite a bit. What will I tell Patti? I’d come home and she’d ask me how my day was. I’d say oh not bad, you’d never guess what happened to me today, I became an atheist today!

I didn’t feel right. But there I was an atheist. I thought well I could live like this and reject God. But then what? What would the purpose of life be? Then the thought came to me, what if I just accepted God without evidence and if I was wrong in the end then at least I lived a good life. That didn’t seem honest. But I thought at least I’d be a good person. I sat with that idea for a bit. But then a word came to me. Faith. What is faith? It’s accepting, believing even at enormous odds that it doesn’t make sense now or may not ever.

I just sat there. Then for some reason I prayed, "Jesus, I’m not sure you are real or if the Bible are your words, but I am going to accept it anyways. I’m going to live how the Bible wants me to live. I will have faith in you. I am going to reject the small arguments against you and accept your great size and power and that you are bigger than my questions." With that prayer began the slow climb back into faith.

I was an atheist for about 40 minutes.

my doubts

Doubts.

We all have them. They rear their heads during a crises, darkness or confusion. We may not think of them regularily, but something happens and there they are. Most of the time we don't talk about them, unless we are in the therapist's office or under the care of hospice.

My question is why? Why don't we talk about something that we all have in common? We all have doubts. Is God real or just something to believe in? Does God care? Who is in control? Why does religion - people with good intensions - spawn pain? Was Jesus really God?

We are told to believe. To have faith. Lots of it. But we are told at every turn to doubt, to be skeptics, to deconstruct. When we are supposed to have lots of faith -- anything less is thought to be a sign of weakness -- and doubts creep up, we are in a very lonely place. Questions emerge. Do other people struggle with this? What is happening to me? Am I loosing my faith?

We have somehow concluded that to doubt or question is actually insulting to God - as if God can't deal with our questions. We don't want to insult the very being that we are trying to wrap our minds/hearts around. We want Him close, we want His favor. We don't want to drive Him away.

But throughout scriptures, we see God's people continually question God. "Why have you forsaken me?" "Why do my enemies always win?" "Lord, help my unbelief" and so echo the voices of scripture.

Could it be that doubts are a normal part of the faith journey we are all on? Could it be that doubting is a passage we all need to walk through to experience the tenderness and security of God? Could it be that on the other side of doubting and seemingly weak faith, is strength and awe?

For this time of lent, Heartlander's will voice their doubts. We will struggle together. We will acknowlege our questions. We will bring up the hard stuff. We will feel the sting of uncertainty when we get worked over by our nagging questions.

But I believe that we will become stronger, softer, and filled with faith as we are honest and authentic with our true doubts - as we lay them before God, He will work in us and through us.

So lets begin tomorrow, Ash Wednesday. Honestly, what are your doubts what are your questions? Let's bring them up. Let's face them.

What are yours?

Pond Hockey

James has never been in that cold of weather. It was minus 15 and he didn't notice. That is what pond hockey does to you. The smile on his face was so constant that it could have been frozen in place. He got 4 goals, one of them a one timer. He hasn't stopped talking about those 3 hours on a frozen pond with 15 other warm hearted people. Don't get me started about how well our team started to gel. Those passes from Dorthy were tape to tape. Stan was seemed to always be in the right place and Levi was relentless on the forecheck.

If the lake had good ice that year, we would be there every weekend putting on our skates and playing till it would get dark. "The Lake" is where I learned to play. It didn't matter if the skates were 5 sizes to big, or the toes were cold, or the ice was bumpy and covered with snow, it was pure fun. More fun that xbox, wii, ds, psp, or Halo III.

Pond hockey is about the only thing I miss about cold winters. But I do miss it. All ages play together. The older enjoy seeing the younger ones succeed. The younger still have a shot at the NHL, the older know better. Where else do 3 to 60 year olds play together in the same game and no one keeps score? Cookies and hot chocolate just taste better after pond hockey. Everyone smiles and great memories are created.

I wish there were more things that brought all ages of people and families together like pond hockey does.